Sunday, May 8, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Happy Mother's Day
"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie."
~ Tenneva Jordan
Motherhood Hall of Shame Winner 2011
I think I may have found my purpose in life! It's looking more and more likely that I'm on this earth so other mothers can feel a little less guilt and a lot less shame about the depths to which they occasionally stoop in order to get their children to comply, cooperate and *through gritted teeth* for-the-love-of-God, to NOT pull this crap right now*
Yesterday I'm pretty sure I hit an all-time low - even by my standards (which admittedly are low, very.very. low some days). I desperately needed Daughter #2 to get up, dressed, fed (hair and teeth brushing considered a long-shot, immediately removed from task list as per Parenting Rule #2 'Pick Your Battles') and out the door by 8:30 am, without incident. No wiggle room on this one. Ordinarily, not (much) coercion is required in this scenario; however, on this particular day there was a perfect storm brewing.
Extreme over tiredness (what twisted, parent-tormenting school plans a kids' choir thingy that lasts until 10 pm on a Tues. night?!) and an earlier than usual a.m. departure time (what twisted, parent-tormenting school plans a 3 day camping trip the morning after above mentioned late night choir thingy?!) meant I immediately put into motion my go-to placating tactics. Pets fed on her behalf - check; clothes set out so no decision making required - check; favourite breakfast baking - check; lunches/backpack ready at the door so she wouldn't have to lift a finger - check. Now all I needed was for my girl to get OUT of her bed and go through the above-mentioned motions *key point here* without engaging me in WWIII.
I took a deep breath and in my most pleasant, patient, non-confrontational voice gently reminded her that we needed to get ready quickly so her sister wouldn't miss her trip. Mother of the Year, givin' it her best shot. I think we all know where this is headed. In a perfect world she would have hopped out of bed, given me a peck on the cheek when she smelled the cinnamon buns baking in the oven, run down the stairs fully dressed and skipped out to the car with minutes to spare. Or perhaps in an alternate universe (aka my childhood) she would have been given 'the look', bounded out of bed (with her hand over her bum relatively sure that there was a spank coming) and ran to the car so she didn't get left behind and face walking the 6 miles to school. How did it all (I) go so wrong? *bewildered*
Here's the sad truth about what really happened. After long minutes of futile cajoling, I swallowed every ounce of parental dignity, authority, and general good sense I might ever have possessed and asked her *I cannot believe I'm admitting this* if she wanted me to make her a pot of coffee to go with the cinnamon buns. Yes, you read that correctly. *pause for stunned silence, looks of disbelief, horrified amusement, pity* In my defence (is this even worth attempting?) it was more like brown water than a caffeine fix *avoids eye contact* and with the amount of flavoured cream she added it could probably have passed as pudding (too pathetic to try justifying?).
Feeling better about your parenting skills by the minute, aren’t you ladies? *smug* Knew it.
The good news is - hey, in my world this IS good news - she and I both survived, her sister got to her trip on time and *still in shock* for the next 24+ hours Daughter #2's halo shone so bright I'm pretty sure they could see it from outer space. Does that mean I did the right thing by jumping through a gazillion hoops, tap dancing like a fool to keep her appeased and ultimately rewarding her passive-aggressive attempts to make me grovel? No, probably not. Okay, okay, definitely not. But c'mon, it's not like I promised the kid a pony, right? *hehe* cuz THAT would just be cRaZy! *shakes head and buries crimson cheeks in her hands*
At this rate I'll be receiving the MHOS Lifetime Award before my kids even graduate high school. I think I'll display it next to my other 'illustrious' and much deserved title, Ms. Shorthand '87. Now I'm just being a show off. *groans and resumes burying crimson cheeks in her hands*
Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.
Friday, May 6, 2011
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