Happy Mother's Day ~ Keepin' it Real

"The world is full of women blindsided by the unceasing demands of motherhood, still flabbergasted by how a job can be terrific and torturous."
~ A. Quindlen

Happy Mother's Day

"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie."

~ Tenneva Jordan

Motherhood Hall of Shame Winner 2011

"Any working mother who says she doesn't bribe her kids
can add 'Liar' to her résumé."

I think I may have found my purpose in life! It's looking more and more likely that I'm on this earth so other mothers can feel a little less guilt and a lot less shame about the depths to which they occasionally stoop in order to get their children to comply, cooperate and *through gritted teeth* for-the-love-of-God, to NOT pull this crap right now*

Yesterday I'm pretty sure I hit an all-time low - even by my standards (which admittedly are low, very.very. low some days). I desperately needed Daughter #2 to get up, dressed, fed (hair and teeth brushing considered a long-shot, immediately removed from task list as per Parenting Rule #2 'Pick Your Battles') and out the door by 8:30 am, without incident. No wiggle room on this one. Ordinarily, not (much) coercion is required in this scenario; however, on this particular day there was a perfect storm brewing.

Extreme over tiredness (what twisted, parent-tormenting school plans a kids' choir thingy that lasts until 10 pm on a Tues. night?!) and an earlier than usual a.m. departure time (what twisted, parent-tormenting school plans a 3 day camping trip the morning after above mentioned late night choir thingy?!) meant I immediately put into motion my go-to placating tactics. Pets fed on her behalf - check; clothes set out so no decision making required - check; favourite breakfast baking - check; lunches/backpack ready at the door so she wouldn't have to lift a finger - check. Now all I needed was for my girl to get OUT of her bed and go through the above-mentioned motions *key point here* without engaging me in WWIII.

I took a deep breath and in my most pleasant, patient, non-confrontational voice gently reminded her that we needed to get ready quickly so her sister wouldn't miss her trip. Mother of the Year, givin' it her best shot. I think we all know where this is headed. In a perfect world she would have hopped out of bed, given me a peck on the cheek when she smelled the cinnamon buns baking in the oven, run down the stairs fully dressed and skipped out to the car with minutes to spare. Or perhaps in an alternate universe (aka my childhood) she would have been given 'the look', bounded out of bed (with her hand over her bum relatively sure that there was a spank coming) and ran to the car so she didn't get left behind and face walking the 6 miles to school. How did it all (I) go so wrong? *bewildered*

Here's the sad truth about what really happened. After long minutes of futile cajoling, I swallowed every ounce of parental dignity, authority, and general good sense I might ever have possessed and asked her *I cannot believe I'm admitting this* if she wanted me to make her a pot of coffee to go with the cinnamon buns. Yes, you read that correctly. *pause for stunned silence, looks of disbelief, horrified amusement, pity* In my defence (is this even worth attempting?) it was more like brown water than a caffeine fix *avoids eye contact* and with the amount of flavoured cream she added it could probably have passed as pudding (too pathetic to try justifying?).

Feeling better about your parenting skills by the minute, aren’t you ladies? *smug* Knew it.

The good news is - hey, in my world this IS good news - she and I both survived, her sister got to her trip on time and *still in shock* for the next 24+ hours Daughter #2's halo shone so bright I'm pretty sure they could see it from outer space. Does that mean I did the right thing by jumping through a gazillion hoops, tap dancing like a fool to keep her appeased and ultimately rewarding her passive-aggressive attempts to make me grovel? No, probably not. Okay, okay, definitely not. But c'mon, it's not like I promised the kid a pony, right? *hehe* cuz THAT would just be cRaZy! *shakes head and buries crimson cheeks in her hands*

At this rate I'll be receiving the MHOS Lifetime Award before my kids even graduate high school. I think I'll display it next to my other 'illustrious' and much deserved title, Ms. Shorthand '87. Now I'm just being a show off. *groans and resumes burying crimson cheeks in her hands*

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.

Note to Self

Aequam memento rebus in arduis servare mentem.

Happy 29th *wink wink* Birthday, Wendy!

The year was 1978 and as you can clearly see, Lux and Wendy were already a force to be reckoned with. BoYz beware! (Hey! I heard that wisecrack about my haircut!) I love your birthday, Wendy - for a couple reasons. Firstly, it means that you've caught up to me again *grin*, secondly, it gives me a chance to reflect on all the hilarious moments we've shared over the years, and thirdly, it's the perfect opportunity for me to thank you for your loyalty, your support, and your tough love when I've needed it (which was hardly ever *rollie eyes*).

This year you allowed me to share in your misadventures with creepy "Shoe Fetish Guy", sweet but slightly out there "I Sometimes Sit in a Tree for Hours and Commune with Nature Guy", possible ex-con "I Can Get You a Set of 'Hot' Tires Guy" and all kinds of other too-weird-to-be-true encounters. (In their defense, you only had to involve the police once. lol Yes, yes, I remember your warning - it's the church boys you gotta be concerned about - got it!)

I think the top award has got to go to "Oops! I Forgot My Wallet Guy". The image of you, dressed to kill, with your hand in his face, saying "Ohhh, I don't think so!" before strutting out of the restaurant, leaving him with his mouth agape ... awww, that'll stay with me forever! lol

Besides being the Comment Leaver Extraordinaire here at RTFTEOS, you're also one of the strongest women I know. You deserve love, success and unparalleled happiness and I predict 2011 is THE year it all comes together for you, girl!

Brevior saltare cum deformibus viris est vita.

The Ugly Truth About Women ~ In Their Own Words

This made me LOL, as the kids say.

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Quick! Hand me those Yellow Pages, Wendy and let's see if there's an Ocean View near us *mumbles big martinis, nice buns* ... *flips a little faster while trying desperately to ignore Golden Girls opening montage wafting through her brain*

Cogito sumere potum alterum.

Prospero Ano (and RIP Boney M)

"New Year's Eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another 12 months may be noted ... and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights."

~Hamilton Wright Mabie

Animis opibusque parati.