Prospero Ano (and RIP Boney M)

"New Year's Eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another 12 months may be noted ... and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights."

~Hamilton Wright Mabie

Animis opibusque parati.

Damsels in Distress

To the dear woman seated behind us who called 911 while we were enjoying ... scratch that ... while we were bitterly complaining about both our incomprehensibly crappy service and equally disappointing meal at Montana's the other night *insert image of Lux and Wendy on bent knees with hands clasped in gratitude* THANK YOU!

While your actual level of 'distress' may not have merited an emergency level response, the parade of firefighters, police and EMT's that arrived ... well, let's just say I had to execute some heroic measures myself to keep Wendy from deliberately choking herself with a cold, limp french fry in order to procure a little 'rescue' of her own! (Desperate times sometimes call for desperate measures, she tells me! ;-p)

Now, to the young woman in the pseudo-bridesmaid/prom/NYE dress at the table across from us. Where to begin? Let's just say that if you're approached by TLC's "What Not to Wear" in the very near future ... well, that's a 'rescue' you'll thank us for one day - trust me.

Particeps criminis.

Felix sit natalis dies to the BBE!

My favourite IMOM is celebrating a birthday today ... one that's dangerously c-c-close to ... old, so I thought I should pass on some of the deep, profound and inspirational things I've learned since advancing in years myself. In no particular order:

1. Don't pierce your tragus
2. Don't go to Disney World in August

Well, that about covers it for me. Here's what some other (slightly more poetic) guys had to offer ...

* Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. ~JW von Goethe
* Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts. ~C Dickens
* Every man is a damn fool for at least 5 minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit. ~E Hubbard
* All wisdom consists in caring immensely for a few right things, and not caring a straw about the rest. ~J Buchan
* Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. ~Unknown

Oh, and maybe have whatever he's drinking ...

... wha?! It was just a suggestion!! *grin*

I Smell a Revolution ...

... or maybe that's just the BWSRN's edgy new Old Spice "Swagger" Body Spray - guaranteed to 'enhance awesomeness'. If that doesn't land him the cover of GQ and send the ladies swooning, I'm not sure what will!? *momentarily loses focus and almost - ALMOST succumbs to the rugged manly man scent wafting from the post below*

All right, I've pulled myself together enough to do what I came to do ... re-butt. *pause for the BWSRN's snicker* Oh sure, those antiquated rules *points* down there may have appealed to men of the dark ages, but be assured women everywhere, today's hunk wants to please his lady (a point proven by Old Spice's sky-rocketting sales of late) and he can find all the helpful tips he needs in this must read book ...

My, my ... how the times are a changin'! *satisfied nod*

Back when men were men and apparently, by the looks of the picture, so were women!

I think this excerpt just about says it all. I'm not saying I agree with everything in it,
but I'll admit to nodding my head and sighing mournfully at the passing of a few
of the more salient pointers.

Yeah, yeah, there's bound to be fallout from posting this. S'ok, I'm ready. Bring it.

Te audire non possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure - I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear

Friendship is a powerful conduit. It allows for all kinds of harassment in the name of love. In fact, the "secrets" that we hold over our friends' heads are in fact the glue that binds us. The more tragic, the more desperate, the more life-altering ... the stronger the bond. It should be that only true friends hold that kind of power over us, but that's not always the case.

The fabric of friendship is woven with threads of happiness, tears, shared adventure, memories and a wealth of inside jokes. It is what protects us and cloaks us in warmth when we're cold from the inside out. Lux has saved me from the cold before. I'll take her friendship with me always.

Alter ipse amicus.

The Ugly Truth About Men ~ In Their Own Words

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot:

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?

Back to the Dark Side aka Inside a Woman's Mind ... part III

I know I know ... I should know better by now ...

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

MISTAKES

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

And lastly, but perhaps in light of the ongoing battle of the sexes right here in RTFTEOS, most importantly, we come to ...

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Since the position of Numero Uno should by rights have the best interests of Lux in mind, I will concede to the W'meister the last word. I don't know what secrets you're blackmailing her with girl, but she's some freaked out! *grumbles that there's no luxury car with the title anyways*

Editor's Response to IAWM Part II

It should come as no surprise that my VPD exceeded the (grossly inadequate) comment section, so here are my thoughts on (my special co-contributor this month) the BWSRN's post on the 'complex' inner workings of the female mind:

*nods as she reads down the list* Yep, yep, that sounds about right. Wha? Why are you shaking your head and baring your teeth like that, BWSRN? *grin*

Okay, I admit it. We're a myriad of contradictions and riddles! We lead with our emotions, and our logic may be skewed (at best) by a man's standards ... BUTT (that was for my favourite 12 yr old) we also more than adequately compensate the male species for the stress and frustration we put them through.

Just think about our skin - how exceptionally soft and sweet smelling it is. Then there's those curves that God gave us - think how much fun you have exploring those! And how about the dimple when we laugh at your gOoFy jokes, or the twinkle in our eye when we tell you that 'You're right, honey, reading the instructions IS for sissies'.

Surely you can forgive us our 'quirks' when we emerge after spending hours to make ourselves extra glamorous - not just to impress you, but to ensure that you'll be the envy of every other man in the room? Who better to nurture you and cater to your sucky side when you're sick or feelin' glum? And be honest, would earning money be nearly as gratifying if you didn't have the complimentary services of a 'professional personal shopper' always at the ready to help you spend it? (okay, that last one might be a stretch *grin*)

Do we make you NuTs on a regular basis? I'm sure we do. But deep down (like waaay deep) I think you'd agree ... you'd be waaay more NuTs without us!!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. *curtsey*

Ecce signum.

Inside a Man's Mind ...

Wendy made me do it *snicker*.

Inside a woman's mind ... Part II

When Apple makes a translator app for this, I'll be first in line:

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your hockey game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. ''Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Ladies?

Inside a woman's mind ...

In Greek mythology, Panacea was the goddess of healing. I’m pretty sure she didn’t cure the ills with a shopping trip. A stroll in the market picking out a new toga or a pair of those gladiator sandals that make women’s feet look like they’re in traction? So why is it then, that a woman’s panacea to stress is shopping?

I’m ready to be enlightened.

BWSRN